Struggling.

Seriously struggling to function today. Had roughly 4 hours sleep last night, and quite frankly I’m exhausted. It’s making me snappy and irritable as well, which is annoying me. I hate being like that. All I want to do is sleep.

Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day as got Avon orders to deliver. Right now I’d happily give it up to be honest, but I know that’s just because I’m tired. I think…. I dunno. It’s just getting too much for me really. I wish I’d stayed a friends and family rep to be honest. The few customers I do have are spread out all over the place and it’s a nightmare trying to get to them all. Could just do with a day where I don’t have to go anywhere or do anything tomorrow to be honest.

Saw my GP today, she seems okay. Frustratingly wants me to stay on the 200mg of Quetiapine though, and will review again on the 30th. I just want off the horrible drug 😦

I’m gonna call it a night, as I’m just too tired to focus. TTFN.

It is what it is;

I wasn’t going to bother blogging tonight, as I’ve got fuck all to say really.
Today has been mostly spent in bed, luckily my daughter had a lay in and then later a long nap, so I joined her. I feel like absolute trash, and nearly passed out earlier. Felt really light headed and weird. Grabbed a sugary drink and crisis averted, but have felt rough all day.

I’m not sure if it’s mother nature or meds withdrawals, or a combo of both. Whatever it is though, needs to swiftly bugger off. I was just starting to feel good and happy, and now this has knocked me back down and I’m a grumpy mare again. Ugh.

Thinking of my friend today as well, going through something truly devastating. I really feel for her and just wish I had the words to say to her to her, but I just don’t. Life is just so unfair sometimes.

I’m seeing my GP tomorrow for the first time; all my psychiatric letters have been going to her, so it’s about time I met her I suppose. Fingers crossed she’s a nice doc and I can get things sorted with my meds. Think I said yesterday, that the pharmacy hadn’t got my repeat prescription, so tonight is my last night of medication. Not an ideal situation. Really to come off completely I did to reduce to 100mg, then 50mg, then perhaps stop. Coming off from 200mg is going to suck. Already noticed the effects from going from 400mg to 200mg. Mentally I’m fine, no adverse affects really, but physically I feel sick, tired and light headed. So I really do need to wean off more gradually. Seriously cannot wait to be off them though. I’m going to be one of these awkward patients I reckon though, as no doubt they’ll want to replace it with something and I’m going to refuse. Am sick and tired of pumping the toxic shit into my body. I’ve had nothing but side effects from all types of medication I’ve been on. My body has had enough. Meds may work for some, but for me, they just make the situation worse. Have been on various meds over the years, and haven’t ever been 100% well on any of them. So it’s time to cruise solo for a while and see what happens….

Anyway, that’s pretty much it for today, I was going to talk about something else, but I frankly can’t be arsed now. I’m tired, grouchy and just need to chill. TTFN.

Counting my blessings….

Today I’m feeling rather emotional and most definitely very lucky. I can’t really go into detail, as it just wouldn’t be right, but my heart is breaking for an insta-friend. Life can be so damn cruel sometimes, it’s just down right unfair.

In light of that, as I said, I’m feeling incredibly lucky to have my daughter. I couldn’t imagine life without her and she’s truly my world. I love her more than words could ever say, she makes me smile, she makes me proud, and above all, she makes me happy. I sit here, typing this, with her sleeping beside me, and I can’t help but just watch her sometimes. Looking so peaceful and beautiful. I feel truly blessed to be her mummy, and I always will. She turned 8 months old today; I’ve felt so emotional and amazed at how quickly 8 months has gone. It doesn’t seem like 5 minutes ago that I gave birth. It’s flown by, and it’s been incredible. The journey of parenthood, has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I absolutely love being a mum, and I’m proud of myself and my body, for creating such a perfect little human. Of course with some help from the hubby haha. But the female body is truly a remarkable thing, to be able to carry and grow a new life inside of it, it never fails to amaze me. We tried for 5 and a half years, and our little girl was well worth that long wait. All the tears and heartache, was hard of course, but it all led to having our daughter. As I’ve said before, everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, and I truly believe that.

Anyway, before I break down in tears (again!), I’ll move on to other things!

Today was week 2 of the Bipolar Psycho-education group; topic was depression. Can’t say I didn’t learn anything new about it to be honest, after having it for coming up 16 years, I don’t think there’s much else to learn about it really. I guess I realised a few things about myself though, and it’s made me very aware and a little unsure of my bipolar diagnosis. I’ll reassess that thought after the entire course, but I am starting to have little niggling doubts. As I listen to the others in the group talk about their experiences, I think to myself, well that doesn’t fit with me at all. I’ve never experienced mania, or even hypomania, at least I don’t think I have. We’re learning about Mania in next weeks session, so I guess I shall see then really. My old psych based her diagnosis on the one time where I didn’t sleep for about 3 days. But, in hindsight, that could have just been a touch of insomnia. Not bipolar. And as for the psychosis, that comes along with many other mental illnesses, including such things as chronic depression. Not necessarily a cause for a bipolar diagnosis. The other diagnoses of OCD and Anxiety, I wholeheartedly believe. But the bipolar, hmmm, I really don’t know anymore. Even my old GP planted that seed of doubt back when I was under his care. He never 100% trusted that diagnosis either. I guess over the years I’ve just gone with it, trusting the psychiatrist, like you would really. But having since changed to a new psychiatrist, and she too doesn’t feel the diagnosis really fits, it does make me stop and think! It seems only one person has ever felt it was the right diagnosis. And to me, that’s not really enough to make it stick for me. But, we shall see. There’s another 4 weeks of the course to go, and then I’m seeing the new psych again to discuss and reassess.

I’ve dropped my medication down to 200mg now, and am noticing a lift in my mood. I’m also not so snappy and irritable as I was on the higher dose. And I’m not groggy/hungover like in the mornings anymore. The reason I’ve dropped to 200mg is, I’m running out. I’ve literally got enough for another dose tomorrow, and that’s it. No more meds. I did put my repeat prescription in over the weekend, but it hasn’t reached the pharmacy yet. In all honesty, I still want to come off them completely. I don’t want to be on psychotropic medication anymore. Especially as I’m doubting my diagnosis. I want to be med free and see what happens. If things take a turn, then of course, I’ll seek immediate help, as I’ve always done. At the end of the day, I won’t know until I try it, and the fact is, I managed during pregnancy for 20 weeks without medication. Only when I went back on it, did I start to feel unwell. Seems a bit odd to me….

I’ve pretty much ruled out Borderline Personality Disorder as well, because I don’t exhibit enough of the traits of that to warrant a diagnosis of it. To be brutally honest, I just think it’s a simple case of recurring depression. I could be totally wrong, and it could be something I’ve not even thought of, but to me, with the symptoms I experience, that’s what it leads me to believe. But again, I’m not a professional, and I’m not in a position to diagnose myself. Self-diagnosis is ridiculous.

Right, I think I’ve written quite enough for one night! TTFN.

Reflection.

No, I’m not talking about what you see when you look in the mirror; I rarely do that!

I’m talking about reflecting on the past and what has brought me to where I am now.

In my Facebook memories and Timehop this morning, were statuses and photo’s about when we moved into the housing association flat. At the time, we thought it was great, a really positive move for us all. Somewhere that our baby could grow up and we could all be happy. But it didn’t turn out that way. After about a week of living there, our perfect little bubble was popped. The neighbours upstairs returned from holiday, and that’s where the doors of hell were opened. Constant trouble with their brat of a teenager, loud music, large groups of lads hanging about outside, smoking drugs, swearing and generally being obnoxious and a pain in the arse. I was over 20 weeks pregnant by then, so needed time to rest, but I never got it. Every time I tried to take a nap, the lad upstairs would turn up his music, or they’d have a massive row, shouting and swearing at each other and slamming doors. I began to despair to be honest. I hated living there. No one seemed to understand how miserable it made me.

Fast forward 4 months and the arrival of our little lady 🙂 and whilst I was still in hospital, the housing association contacted my husband to tell us that we had to leave! At that point it was a stress we could of done without, and still the constant crap from above us continued, despite them knowing we had a baby. In all honesty though, the ending of the private leasing scheme, and hence our notice to quit, was actually a blessing in disguise. After a lot of stress, worry and panic, we finally got our forever home with the council. When I first looked around, I wasn’t greatly impressed if I’m honest, but it was clean, tidy and at that point, we couldn’t refuse it, or they’d have taken us off the list and we’d have ended up homeless. So, I agreed to take the property, and we began to pack up our lives and move again. This time with a baby, so it was a lot harder! But, we did it, and we’ve now been here nearly 4 months. It’s quiet, it’s warm, it’s near a couple of shops (including a Tesco Express), and there’s a few primary schools to choose from for our daughter. Oh, and a high school too. So really it couldn’t be better for us. I love the house, albeit slightly lacking in the kitchen department (it’s tiny!!), but overall it does us well.

Looking back on it all, despite the stress and aggro, I probably wouldn’t change it, not any of it. It all worked out in the end, and we’re a stronger family as a result. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and even if that reason isn’t apparent at the time (or even later down the line!), I still believe it to be true. We obviously weren’t meant to stay at the flat long, it was merely a stop gap between our old home and our new. As long as we keep up with the rent etc, there’ll be no reason for us to move again either. Well, unless the family expands…. but even then, if we were to have another girl, then we’d be fine. But anyway, that’s another story. And my laptop is about to die…. so I shall say TTFN.

 

Ugh.

Feeling so crappy today; nauseated, tired, achey and generally just unwell. Have still managed to get all my jobs around the house done though, otherwise they’d not get done. Annoyingly. Wish they would just magically do themselves sometimes. But alas, they do not.

Mood wise, I guess there’s a small improvement over the last few days, but I think that’s because I’ve not been on my own. I don’t know if that really makes much of a difference or not. But I’ve not felt as grumpy today. I’ve just felt yukky. Which doesn’t bode well for starting my new “eat well and work out” plans for the week ahead. I can see it now…. put baby down for a nap, and instead of working out, just curling up in bed next to her and sleeping. I’m seriously lacking in energy lately, and to some extent motivation as well. I know I need to get on it and get it done, but when you’re so sleep deprived it’s hard. I can’t even say it’s “being a mum” that’s doing it, because my daughter is quite a good sleeper to be honest. I’m just a really restless sleeper myself. I got a whole 6 hours and 7 minutes (according to my fitbit) last night, despite an earlier night and a long lay in. I just keep waking up. I don’t know why. But it’s doing my head in now. I long for a decent nights sleep. I think that’s probably half the reason I’m such a grumpy cow lately, because I’m just so bloody tired.

I don’t think my hormones are helping much at the moment either. Feel so emotional and all over the place, I keep getting really tearful and I don’t know why. Was looking at photo’s of my daughter when she was a newborn, and desperately missing the sleepy cuddles we used to have. Loved those moments, so precious. Makes me really broody for another one too. Which is hard when I know it probably won’t happen 😦 but that’s a story for another day. Not really up to talking about that right now.

In fact I’m not really up to talking about much else right now either, so going to call it a night. TTFN.

Fat.

That’s how I feel today. Fat. I weighed myself and nearly broke the scales. It’s horrific. I’ve got roughly 5 stone to lose, which isn’t going to be an easy thing to do. When 9 times out of 10, when I’ve got the time to exercise, I just go to bed and sleep; because I’m so damn tired all the time. Take yesterday for an example, I went back to bed when my hubby went to work, and then again in the afternoon. Lazy fucker aren’t I. But I really need to shift this weight. It’s getting me down, I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, because I just hate, no, despise what I see…. 😦

I’m going to try calorie counting, along with a workout dvd and some fitness challenges (sit ups, push ups and squats). Fingers crossed I can find the energy and motivation to do it. Sick of the sight of myself to be honest. Sick of clothes not fitting me. Sick of getting out of breath just by going up the stairs. Sick of it all really. No matter what anyone says, I’m fat. There’s no denying it. My BMI is way too high, and am categorically OBESE. Ugh.

I need off my medication as well, as that plays a big part in my weight as well. Well, I was late putting in my request for my repeat prescription, so I am going to run out before it’s ready…. hmm. There’s a huge temptation to cut down to 200mg, which would make what I’ve got last until my repeat is ready…. but then what would be the point of going back up to 400mg? I’m seeing my GP next week as well, so am hoping she’ll agree to cutting it down anyway. After all the psych was talking about me coming off it anyway. Yes admittedly she was planning on putting me on something else, but I’m so sick of being on medication now. I’ve lost my spark, my creativity is gone and I’m just existing in a medication induced haze. It’s like being stoned all the time to be honest. It’s not a nice feeling, and I’m barely functioning. My daughter needs me to be me, not some doped up waste of space. I miss the old me. The happy go lucky, creative, motivated, me. I’ve lost my drive for anything. Apart from being a mother, that’s a natural instinct, that I don’t think any medication will ever get rid of. It’s the driving force that keeps me going. I love her so much, and just want to be the best mother I can be. And I’ll do anything to be that for her.

Anyway, think that’s enough waffle from me for today; just going to chill and listen to the Rag’n’Bone Man. Night.

Poorly-ness

Feel like absolute shite today. Keep going really cold and feeling sick. Spent most of the day in bed, my daughter slept in today until 9.30am, so once hubby had gone off to work at half 7, I went back to bed until she got up. Then when she went down for a nap this afternoon, I joined her. She slept for so long though, that she’s currently wide awake, when usually she’d be sleeping now. She’s also been sick a couple of times and has a temp, so think she’s got the viral thing that my hubby’s had and now I seem to have as well. Oh joys.

We’re off to bed early tonight, in the hopes we can all sleep it off.

My mood is still shocking, am still snappy and short tempered. It’s driving me mad. I hate being in a shit mood, really wears me down after a while. I’m exhausted and just generally feeling like crap. Not depressed, but not happy. If that makes any sense….

I still want off my medication, I do feel it’s at fault for how I’m feeling right now. It’s clearly not doing anything. Seeing my GP next week, so hopefully she’ll be able to help.

Right, I’ve nothing else to say really, so gonna call it a night for this now. TTFN.

 

*Insert Expletive Here*

Seriously pissed off right now.

Someone who should know me better, just said I put cigarettes before my daughter! What the actual fuck?! Nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, comes before my daughter. She is my #1 priority and has all she needs before I even contemplate anything for myself. I would never buy a pack of smokes instead of formula, or nappies, or food for her. NEVER. The thought wouldn’t even cross my mind!!!! Fuck sake.

Yes we’re struggling financially. But my daughter has EVERYTHING she could possibly need right now. I’ve made sure of that. I always do.

We were talking about quitting smoking, as we were running out and have no money. But, as long as I don’t go batshit crazy with my smokes tomorrow, they’ll last until the weekend when we’ve got some money coming in. How is that putting them before my daughter?!

Grrrrr. I feel like I’m constantly judged or criticised on my parenting skills, and it’s not fair. I do my fucking best, and I have happy, healthy child to show for it. So I must be doing something right?! I already feel shitty right now, so I don’t need that kind of negativity being thrown at me as well. I’m not a perfect parent, but then who is?! Obviously these people who constantly have a pop at me are though. It’s not the first time it’s happened today, and probably won’t be the last. But people need to back the fuck off right now, because I will bite back, and it won’t be pretty. I’m such a moody bitch right now, that I’ll speak before I think. Pretty much like this entire blog post….

I feel like shit mentally and physically right now, and don’t need the aggro. My meds are fucking me over something chronic, I’ve got crippling stomach pains right now, feel sick, tired and generally fed up to the back teeth with everything. Literally the only things keeping me going right now are my daughter and my husband. Without them, I’d be gone. There’d be no point in sticking around.

….and breathe.

Hello March….

….You already suck.

Literally 2 days into the month and we’re totally broke; literally not a penny to my name right now. And am over my overdraft by £15, which means a daily charge of £6 until I’ve got back under my limit. It’s a fucking piss take. How can banks justify such charges?! Got no one I can borrow it off either, so I’m going to be stung for about £90 worth of charges before I can do anything about it. It’s so fucked up 😦

So yeah, March already sucks.

I still can’t shake this shitty mood either. I’m permanently grumpy, short tempered and just generally in a bad mood. It’s like I’ve got a black cloud over my head, that’s permanently pissing down with rain. I’m not depressed, so that’s one good thing I guess. But this mood is driving me mad.

I’ve spoken to a doctor about my grogginess and “drunk” feeling from me meds though, and he said to cut down to 400mg, from 600mg, and to take them earlier in the evening. It did work to some extent. Still struggled to get out of bed this morning, and could of quite happily stayed asleep, but at least my alarms woke me, unlike yesterday. I completely slept through them, it was only when my daughter woke up that I woke. I still want off the meds though. I’m gaining so much weight and it’s pissing me off. Even if I don’t eat more than usual, the weight is still piling on. It’s just one of the many side effects of the Quetiapine though.

Ugh. If it wasn’t for my daughter, I’d give it all up right now.

Blah blah blah….

Pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Everything is just blah, blah, blah.

Went to the Bipolar Psycho-education group (BPEG from now on), it was alright, but a bit dull really. Not sure I’m really going to learn anything I haven’t already researched and found out for myself to be honest. But hey…. I’ll still show up and sit quietly in the corner like I did today.

I’m still in a shitty moood; it’s really beginning to bug me now. The only thing, or rather people, that are keeping me from losing it altogether, are my daughter and my husband. Without them, I feel I would have broken down completely by now.

I just wish I knew what had triggered this stupid, moody, episode. I can’t put my finger on anything that it could have been. Yes I’m stressed, but that’s nothing new. I live in a permanent stressed out mode. I should be used to it by now. It could be the meds, as they can cause anger issues in some people. Seriously want off the bloody things. I want to feel like me again, rather than some drugged up, numb, weirdo. I positively hate being on medication. I don’t feel like it’s really doing me any good anyway, so what’s the point. I just get all the negative side effects, like weight gain, irritability, headaches, nausea, tiredness, hungover/groggy like feeling 24/7, and just generally fed up with taking them.

I can sum up how I feel about Quetiapine in one word – HATE. It’s an awful drug, and I’m going to push to come off it and be med free for a while. See if I can get the real me back again. The non-medicated/zombie that I currently am, just isn’t sitting well with me. Have positively had enough.