Today I’m feeling rather emotional and most definitely very lucky. I can’t really go into detail, as it just wouldn’t be right, but my heart is breaking for an insta-friend. Life can be so damn cruel sometimes, it’s just down right unfair.
In light of that, as I said, I’m feeling incredibly lucky to have my daughter. I couldn’t imagine life without her and she’s truly my world. I love her more than words could ever say, she makes me smile, she makes me proud, and above all, she makes me happy. I sit here, typing this, with her sleeping beside me, and I can’t help but just watch her sometimes. Looking so peaceful and beautiful. I feel truly blessed to be her mummy, and I always will. She turned 8 months old today; I’ve felt so emotional and amazed at how quickly 8 months has gone. It doesn’t seem like 5 minutes ago that I gave birth. It’s flown by, and it’s been incredible. The journey of parenthood, has been a bit of a whirlwind, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I absolutely love being a mum, and I’m proud of myself and my body, for creating such a perfect little human. Of course with some help from the hubby haha. But the female body is truly a remarkable thing, to be able to carry and grow a new life inside of it, it never fails to amaze me. We tried for 5 and a half years, and our little girl was well worth that long wait. All the tears and heartache, was hard of course, but it all led to having our daughter. As I’ve said before, everything happens for a reason and when the time is right, and I truly believe that.
Anyway, before I break down in tears (again!), I’ll move on to other things!
Today was week 2 of the Bipolar Psycho-education group; topic was depression. Can’t say I didn’t learn anything new about it to be honest, after having it for coming up 16 years, I don’t think there’s much else to learn about it really. I guess I realised a few things about myself though, and it’s made me very aware and a little unsure of my bipolar diagnosis. I’ll reassess that thought after the entire course, but I am starting to have little niggling doubts. As I listen to the others in the group talk about their experiences, I think to myself, well that doesn’t fit with me at all. I’ve never experienced mania, or even hypomania, at least I don’t think I have. We’re learning about Mania in next weeks session, so I guess I shall see then really. My old psych based her diagnosis on the one time where I didn’t sleep for about 3 days. But, in hindsight, that could have just been a touch of insomnia. Not bipolar. And as for the psychosis, that comes along with many other mental illnesses, including such things as chronic depression. Not necessarily a cause for a bipolar diagnosis. The other diagnoses of OCD and Anxiety, I wholeheartedly believe. But the bipolar, hmmm, I really don’t know anymore. Even my old GP planted that seed of doubt back when I was under his care. He never 100% trusted that diagnosis either. I guess over the years I’ve just gone with it, trusting the psychiatrist, like you would really. But having since changed to a new psychiatrist, and she too doesn’t feel the diagnosis really fits, it does make me stop and think! It seems only one person has ever felt it was the right diagnosis. And to me, that’s not really enough to make it stick for me. But, we shall see. There’s another 4 weeks of the course to go, and then I’m seeing the new psych again to discuss and reassess.
I’ve dropped my medication down to 200mg now, and am noticing a lift in my mood. I’m also not so snappy and irritable as I was on the higher dose. And I’m not groggy/hungover like in the mornings anymore. The reason I’ve dropped to 200mg is, I’m running out. I’ve literally got enough for another dose tomorrow, and that’s it. No more meds. I did put my repeat prescription in over the weekend, but it hasn’t reached the pharmacy yet. In all honesty, I still want to come off them completely. I don’t want to be on psychotropic medication anymore. Especially as I’m doubting my diagnosis. I want to be med free and see what happens. If things take a turn, then of course, I’ll seek immediate help, as I’ve always done. At the end of the day, I won’t know until I try it, and the fact is, I managed during pregnancy for 20 weeks without medication. Only when I went back on it, did I start to feel unwell. Seems a bit odd to me….
I’ve pretty much ruled out Borderline Personality Disorder as well, because I don’t exhibit enough of the traits of that to warrant a diagnosis of it. To be brutally honest, I just think it’s a simple case of recurring depression. I could be totally wrong, and it could be something I’ve not even thought of, but to me, with the symptoms I experience, that’s what it leads me to believe. But again, I’m not a professional, and I’m not in a position to diagnose myself. Self-diagnosis is ridiculous.
Right, I think I’ve written quite enough for one night! TTFN.