Self Preservation Mode

Right now, I’m in SPM. Just doing what I need to do to get by, nothing more. I came to the realisation that I was just doing too much all at once. Avon, PT course, mother, wife…. for me that’s just too much. So for now, I’m just a mother and wife. Focusing on my little girl, and leaving everything else for now. I’m not depressed as such, but my mood is bordering on it sometimes. I get tearful for (seemingly) no reason, and I’m just plain exhausted most of the time. Something had to give.

I’m also researching natural remedies for depression and anxiety, to try and manage them without medication. I shall of course discuss with my GP and my Psychiatrist before coming off them, but it’s the way I want to go. I’m so done with the side effects of psychotropic medications, they’re making me feel physically ill, which in turn then has a negative impact on my mental health. If I felt well physically, then technically the mental side should follow. Fingers crossed….

Am sat here with the brightness turned down as low as possible on my laptop, because I’ve got a cracking headache. Right behind my eyes. Seriously cannot wait to get my new glasses. That in itself will improve how I feel too.

Bipolar group today revealed to me, in many ways, that I don’t quite fit the diagnosis. The topic was mania, and there was very little I could relate to and say “yeah, I’ve had that”. My old psychiatrist based my diagnosis on one episode where I didn’t sleep much for 3 days. She deemed that as mania. Or rather, hypomania. But to me, that’s just not enough to classify me as someone with Bipolar. Yes, I have the tendency to spend compulsively, but that can be deemed as part of my OCD or even depression alone. As 9 times out of 10, it happens when I’m feeling low, not “high”. My shit memory can also be deemed as caused by depression too. There’s nothing about me that screams BIPOLAR! In my eyes, it’s depression, anxiety and OCD. Not Bipolar. Yes of course, I’m not a doctor or other such medical professional, but I know myself well enough to know that it’s not what they’ve been saying it is. Need some blunt discussions I think, to really get to the bottom of things.

I have experienced Psychosis; but that too can come from un-medicated depression. So even that can’t be enough to diagnose me with bipolar disorder. Even my old GP found it a strange thing to diagnose me with, 3 years ago! And he knew me extremely well. Soooo, we shall see how things go.

Anyway, enough rambling on from me tonight, going to turn my laptop off and chill for a bit before bed. Feeling like utter shite. TTFN.



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