Fat.

That’s how I feel today. Fat. I weighed myself and nearly broke the scales. It’s horrific. I’ve got roughly 5 stone to lose, which isn’t going to be an easy thing to do. When 9 times out of 10, when I’ve got the time to exercise, I just go to bed and sleep; because I’m so damn tired all the time. Take yesterday for an example, I went back to bed when my hubby went to work, and then again in the afternoon. Lazy fucker aren’t I. But I really need to shift this weight. It’s getting me down, I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible, because I just hate, no, despise what I see…. 😦

I’m going to try calorie counting, along with a workout dvd and some fitness challenges (sit ups, push ups and squats). Fingers crossed I can find the energy and motivation to do it. Sick of the sight of myself to be honest. Sick of clothes not fitting me. Sick of getting out of breath just by going up the stairs. Sick of it all really. No matter what anyone says, I’m fat. There’s no denying it. My BMI is way too high, and am categorically OBESE. Ugh.

I need off my medication as well, as that plays a big part in my weight as well. Well, I was late putting in my request for my repeat prescription, so I am going to run out before it’s ready…. hmm. There’s a huge temptation to cut down to 200mg, which would make what I’ve got last until my repeat is ready…. but then what would be the point of going back up to 400mg? I’m seeing my GP next week as well, so am hoping she’ll agree to cutting it down anyway. After all the psych was talking about me coming off it anyway. Yes admittedly she was planning on putting me on something else, but I’m so sick of being on medication now. I’ve lost my spark, my creativity is gone and I’m just existing in a medication induced haze. It’s like being stoned all the time to be honest. It’s not a nice feeling, and I’m barely functioning. My daughter needs me to be me, not some doped up waste of space. I miss the old me. The happy go lucky, creative, motivated, me. I’ve lost my drive for anything. Apart from being a mother, that’s a natural instinct, that I don’t think any medication will ever get rid of. It’s the driving force that keeps me going. I love her so much, and just want to be the best mother I can be. And I’ll do anything to be that for her.

Anyway, think that’s enough waffle from me for today; just going to chill and listen to the Rag’n’Bone Man. Night.

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