So I didn’t blog yesterday; or the day before that…. Simply because I had fuck all to say, and have been in a stonking bad mood. I don’t know why, or what’s caused it, but I’m sick of everything right now. I’ve had people whinging and whining to me, people scrutinising and judging me, and some out right having a go at me. All of which I really could of done without. I’m so grumpy, tetchy and snappy, I’m annoying myself. I hate being in a shit mood. Especially when I don’t know why I am.
Mentally I feel far from okay right now. Not depressed as such, but not up/happy or in the slightest bit stable. I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a full on break down to be honest. It’s like I’m taking my medication for nothing, as it’s not doing fuck all.
I’m still really pissed at my new psych, and contemplating cancelling my next appointment with her, as I really don’t see the point in seeing her. She’s blatantly just brushed me aside, and not taken any of my recent mental state into consideration. It’s a fucking piss take in all honesty. I can’t even begin to comprehend where she’s got the idea from that I’ve been well and stable for many months! She’s totally ignored what’s in my notes, and despite her saying that my previous psych had told her I’d been in mixed affective state, she’s just ignored it and come to her own (totally wrong) conclusion. She based it purely on how I was at the time she saw me. And yes, I was feeling good that day, was wearing make up and had made an effort. But what she hadn’t seen was the bad day before that. Now I think about it, everything I said she had some sort of comeback that dismissed what I was saying. Like when I said I thought it may be BPD, when I described some of the symptoms I’ve been experiencing that would indicate such a diagnosis, she just dismissed it all. As much as I disliked my old psych, at least she saw when I was genuinely unwell and documented it accordingly. Fuck sake. As strange as it may sound, I already miss her, even though she was pretty useless.
Tomorrow I start my course for 6 weeks; am semi looking forward to it, but at the same time, really cannot be arsed to go. I don’t think I have Bipolar in all honesty, and I don’t think the new psych does either. As she put it “Go on the course and we’ll reevaluate after”. So if it’s not Bipolar, and it’s not BPD, what the fuck is wrong with me?! There’s clearly something for me to be so up and down all the time. I don’t know. But something isn’t right, anyone can see that in me.
I go from really motivated, upbeat and happy, to feeling like shit and not bothered to do anything. In the space of a few minutes sometimes. I’ll start something with gusto, and then the feeling fades, and I give up. Like with my Avon business, or my personal training course. I flit between really keen and not giving a fuck, so much. It’s frustrating. I can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, I feel groggy and hungover 24/7 because of the stupid meds, and I just generally feel like shit.
Anyway, enough swearing and ranting (sorry). I’m gonna try and chill out and listen to some music for a bit before heading to bed. Maybe that’ll help my mood…. TTFN.