Yes I have bipolar disorder. Yes I make poor choices when I am manic and I don’t think about the consequences. When I finally return to reality, I understand that I need to take responsibility to clean up my own messes. I do the best I can, and sometimes, it’s just not good enough.
Why do the people who love me think I do these things on purpose? How can they deny my illness after so many years of watching my battle with all the extreme highs and crushing lows.
Why do they prefer to constantly remind me that I fucked up again? Don’t they realise I already hate myself for my irrational behaviour?
I need to let go of some of these people I love but fear always stops me. Though they may not understand, I do everything I can to control my illness, but sometimes it controls me.
I have Bipolar II disorder; My moods change more often than the seasons, and with my moods, my energy levels change also. I am either too up or too down, but I am rarely in between. When I am down, I cannot just snap out of it. I cannot think positively to make it all go away. I can barely pull myself out of bed and into the shower. Being around people is just too hard. I don’t always feel sad, sometimes I don’t feel anything at all. It may seem like I am giving up, but this is where I am fighting the hardest, just to stay alive.
When I am up, life is wonderful. Nothing can go wrong and I have all the energy in the world. I want to go out, I want to DO, I want to accomplish. I am confident. I talk too fast, I think too fast. And it bothers me when those around me can’t keep up.
Sometimes I am irritable or snappy. I want things done my way. I want everything done at once. I’m impulsive. I like being up more than being down, but I am down, much, much more often. The hardest part of this disorder is that I’ll never know when my mood will change. It is a rollercoaster, and it is exhausting to ride a rollercoaster every single day of your life.
I hide what I’m going through in order to make you feel more comfortable, and I’m tired. I did not ask for this, any more than a person asks for cancer.
I fight it every day. I am stronger than you know.
Bipolar Disorder used to be called Manic Depression.
A person with Bipolar can swing from extreme states of invincible elation to paralysing despair and back again.
During the manic phase, the person is optimistic and buoyed by exaggerated feelings of well-being. Their minds are overactive, and they need very little sleep. But while they have plenty of energy, they lack concentration.
During the depressive phase, the person feels empty, despairing and may contemplate suicide.
This mental illness can be mild, moderate or severe. There is no cure, but it can be treated.
After a bipolar manic state, when someone asks you “how could you of done that?!” and you reply “I don’t know…” that is the absolute truth…. but they cannot understand your reality.
“She was too quiet, or she was too loud. She took things too seriously, or not seriously at all. She was too sensitive, or too cold-hearted. She hated with every fibre of her being, or loved with every piece of her heart. There was no in-between for her. It was either all or nothing. She wanted everything, but settled for nothing.”