Sometimes in life, things just don’t work out how you’d planned. People change, situations change, and life changes. All of those things add up, and mean you end up having to make hard decisions. Friendships come to a natural end sometimes, but then other times you have to burn those bridges on purpose, no matter how much it hurts….
I’ve changed a lot recently. I’ve become very much a different person. I don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing, but I’m very much more aware of things now. Being Bipolar means I feel emotions on a much deeper level than someone who isn’t. I love more deeply, and sometimes freely. Which isn’t a good thing. I let myself get into situations that end up hurting me. I can’t process feelings very well sometimes, and they overwhelm me and confuse me. I never know what to do for the best a lot of the time. Then I do something I regret, and it sends me spiralling into depression. It sucks.
It’s hard for me to be honest when I need to be with people, because I hate hurting people. But I am still very open and honest, and just have to face the consequences afterwards.
Found a good quote that sums things up right now:
Which of my feelings are real?
Which of the me’s is me?
The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic and crazy one?
Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed and tired one?
Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither.
-Kay Redfield Jamison
A Bipolar Mind
You’re either too happy, too sad or you just don’t care.
Finding the feelings in the middle don’t come naturally.
You have to fight every day to find them.
One second I’m perfectly fine and the next it’s like a volcano erupts inside of me, leaving me miserable.
Some say I’m too sensitive, but truth is I just feel too much.
Every word, every action and every energy goes straight to my heart.
Oh and this one:
Right now, I am a mixture of very happy and very sad. And I’m trying to figure it all out, all these feelings and emotions and words and thoughts, and what they all mean. Everything I feel is a contradiction of itself, and I do not understand any of it.
There’s a few more, but I think that’s enough for now.
To say I’m struggling at the moment is probably an understatement. I’m very messed up and confused to be honest. It’s hard being in my head right now.