Really don’t know what to write here tonight….
There’s things I can’t talk about and that sucks. But it’s for the best.
I can tell you though, that I saw my psych yesterday for the last time; I’m being transferred to a new one, whom I’m seeing on the 20th apparently. In the mean time, I’m kinda lost in the void. Helpless and feeling weird. I can’t explain it very well, without going into specifics, but I’m in a weird place right now, and I’m stuck.
The intrusive thoughts are holding me down, so powerful. So harsh. I see his face, I hear his voice. There is no respite from it. He’s there ALL the time.
I feel like I’m sitting beside myself sometimes. Looking at myself, and feeling sick at the sight of what I see. I’m a mess. A disaster. A failure.
Falling apart, crying myself to sleep, and barely holding on to reality. There’s a fine line between sanity and madness, and I’m slipping. I’m gripping by my finger tips, but I can feel myself falling and I can’t stop it.
I keep flipping out too; I go on epic highs, higher than I’ve been before. Grandiose and elated. I could take on the world. It’s exhausting. I love myself, but I hate myself. I miss the old me, but I love the new me too. When I’m high I feel amazing. Like, untouchable, indestructible, crazy even. But it’s such a good feeling. I love mania. And I know I shouldn’t. But it’s better by far than depression. Depression sucks the life out of me, drains me of all energy. During mania I’m energetic and full of life. I want to stay like that. But that means not taking the meds that dull my spirits. The meds wipe my soul of life. They take me over, and control my thinking. I feel numb and broken all at once.
Mania is dangerous though too, but I kind of like the element of danger it holds…. bad I know.
I’m so mixed up, I’m not functioning properly, that’s for certain. Some days I feel so lost and alone, like there’s no one who gets me, or wants to have anything to do with me. I don’t blame them, I wouldn’t want to know me either. I just end up hurting people, and ultimately myself. Sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me too. It’s so messed up in my head. Paranoia, hallucinations, delusions, grandiose feelings, suicidal ideations, urges to self harm, and many many more. They say I’m borderline psychotic…. fun.
I think back to when I had my breakdown in 2013, and I don’t remember fuck all. I know I was really unwell, but if you were to ask me for details, there’s nothing I could tell you. Sometimes I really want to know the details myself, but then I think perhaps it’s best I don’t know. I also wonder how much of the here and now I’ll remember in weeks or months to come. If I’m psychotic like they say, most of what’s going on right now, I’ll forget. But it does rely on me taking my medication…. fuck it.
I think I’ll leave it there for tonight. If I think too much it actually hurts. Fuck knows why. It’s like my brain hurts. Not quite like a headache, but it feels weird. It’s hard to explain. So I’ll sshh. TTFN.