Feeling really anxious tonight; got my appointment with my CPN tomorrow afternoon. I think it’ll be useful to have the extra support, in between psych appointments. But I’m really nervous about the initial introduction meeting. My friend knows her, and says that she’s really nice, so I really have no reason to be nervous…. it’s an irrational fear I think.
Overall today has been quite a good day; my friend came over this morning and did my nails (she’s a Jamberry rep). See pic –
I love them! and they’ll last about 3 weeks ish, maybe longer. Is the second time I’ve had jams on, and it’s a bit addictive. In comparison to going to a nail salon and having them done though, they’re a lot lot cheaper! And in my opinion better.
My therapy dough turned up today, am yet to try it out but it smells amazing! Gonna wind down with it later on, in the hopes I chill out and sleep better. The last couple of days have been so restless and not felt rested at all in the mornings. Have gone back to bed on more than one occasion, that’s how tired I am.
As far as mania or depression goes, I’m semi stable right now…. don’t want to jinx myself, but am hoping this is the start of being more stable now. I hate rapid cycling, it’s so exhausting. Never knowing what your mood is going to be from one moment to the next, I hate the unpredictable nature of Bipolar. There are no guarantees. I could go to bed feeling fine, then wake up crushed by depression or as high as a kite. I just never know. ^sad face^.
Currently listening to one of my girl crushes – Pink! Wish I was still singing…. I miss it. I just don’t have what it takes though. I don’t even do Rock Choir any more and at one point that was my life! Having a baby has really changed me, for mostly the better I think. It’s affected my health anxiety a lot though, as now I’m not just worried about getting sick myself, but now I have my daughter to worry about as well! I wish it wouldn’t bother me so much, but it just won’t go away.
Speaking of my daughter, I can’t quite believe it, but she’s 7 months old today! Where on earth has that time gone?! Only another 5 months until her first birthday. She’s growing up way too fast for my liking, wish I could slow down time a bit to be honest.
Tonight I’m also over thinking past mistakes and things I’ve done that I regret now. I know there’s no point dwelling on stuff like that, as it gets you nowhere, and doesn’t change the past. But I can’t help but over analyse things and think more into things than I need to. It’s just part of my genetic make up really. I often feel like a stupid girl though, rather than a grown woman.
I keep worrying that I’m going back down the psychosis road as well, as still keep experiencing auditory hallucinations and sometimes visual ones as well. Definitely need to mention it to the CPN tomorrow, or Psych on Friday.
Over the next few of weeks I’ve got so much on….
- 8/2/17 – CPN appointment.
- 10/2/17 – Psychiatrist appointment followed by Psychologist appointment!
- 14/2/17 – Physical health check.
- 17/2/17 – My 32nd Birthday…. ugh.
- 20/2/17 – New Psychiatrist appointment
- 28/2/17 – Starting the Bipolar Psycho-education group for 6 weeks…!!
So all in all a busy few weeks/months ahead!
Anyway, nearly bed time now, not that I’m tired…. grr. Always get manic towards bed time, and the brain zaps get worse too! Fuck sake. TTFN.