Well today was an interesting day…. I had my first ever home visit from the crisis team, for a psych assessment. It went better than I expected it to, and luckily I wasn’t deemed ‘mental’ enough to be admitted to hospital. But they want to monitor me closely, in case of further deterioration mostly, and they’re going to work with my psychiatrist and CPN. Which will be good, so I’ll have extra support between appointments with the psych.
After they’d gone, I felt totally exhausted to be honest. It’s hard talking about how I’m feeling, especially when I have to talk about the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideations.
Living the way I am at the moment is exhausting enough as it is. On top of the sedating side effects of the new medication. The higher the dosage, the more groggy and kind of hungover I feel. All day, every day. It’s worse shortly after I’ve taken it of course. But the effects don’t ever seem to wear off. It’s a bit annoying. But I spoke to the people that came today, and will be discussing with the psych tomorrow, about taking the full dose in one go at night, rather than morning and evening doses. Then maybe I can actually function during the day. Because at the moment, I’m having breakfast, taking my meds then going back to bed, as it literally knocks me out for a couple hours. I’m lucky in the fact that my daughter doesn’t usually wake until around 10am, so I get a good couple of extra hours.
I wish the obsession with overdosing would stop…. it’s driving me mad. I know I won’t, well hope I don’t, ever act on it. Obviously where mental health is concerned, there are no guarantees, and no one knows if they’ll lost control or not. Thankfully I haven’t so far, but I have gone as far as planning the how and when scenario. Which is bad enough.
The health anxiety is also getting to me; I hate leaving the house. It terrifies me that there are germs everywhere. Of course I know I can’t avoid leaving the house completely, especially for things like psych appointments and shopping. But I don’t go out if I don’t have to. I should be going to baby groups etc, and meeting up with mummy friends. But I’m just not up to it right now. It’s too daunting and exhausting for me. Hopefully in time, I’ll be able to. Even if it’s just once a week maybe.
Depression is so cruel; it consumes you completely, and it’s relentless. The racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideations, and compulsive behaviour are so hard to deal with. I’m also still fighting the urges to self harm. But I’ve come way too far to go back on that now, so I really hope I can keep up the resistance on that one.
I found out that, technically, I can drink alcohol on my new medication. Although it’s obviously not really advised, and there are limits of course, plus a chance it’ll make me ill (vomit) or just go to sleep. But the temptation to test it out is real right now. I’d love nothing more than a nice ice cold cider, or glass of vino. Finding it really hard to resist that temptation to be honest. I’ve got alcohol (almost) free cider and beer in the fridge, so could have those and hope that it beats down the ultimate urge to get drunk. I miss getting drunk, although I did completely lose my inhibitions and got myself into all sorts of situations with people. Which is something I won’t go into now.
I’ve just got to hold on, even if it is by my fingertips, and this will pass soon. Maybe not today, nor tomorrow, but there’s a whole lot of future to aim for and look forward to. I’m not going to let the black dog defeat me. It may be bigger than I am right now, but I’ll make it shrink somehow, and it’ll be nothing more than a helpless puppy again, that can’t pin me down like the big monster it is right now. Instead of it taking me for a walk, I’ll be in control and walking it instead. Okay, now I really do sound like a crazy person….
I’ve got so much support around me, both professionally and personally with friends and family. I got lucky today by not being admitted, I think the main reason being I have my daughter. So I do feel lucky, although still very vulnerable. I never know how I’m going to be from one moment to the next, which is very frustrating. I just want to be stable again.
They asked me today when I last felt stable, and I can honestly say, it was when I was off my medication during pregnancy. Aside from the physical side effects of pregnancy, I felt great in my moods. I was stable, there were no intrusive thoughts, no suicidal ideations, no high episodes, or crushing lows. I was genuinely happy and content with life. The future looked rosy, and good. Right now, it’s shielded by a big black cloud, that I can’t see through. It’s scary not knowing what’ll happen from one moment to the next too. I don’t know if I’ll lose control and attempt suicide. Or if I’ll go manic and spend all our money again. I just don’t know, nor can I predict it.
Fingers crossed I can just keep on fighting somehow, and get through this. No matter how hard it is. I’ve got to, for my daughter, my husband, my friends and family too. They all need me, just as much as I need them. So all I can say is, I’ll do my best. I just hope my best is good enough….