Struggling with the Big Black Dog.

Struggling is an understatement right now.

Just can’t take much more of feeling like this. I’m paranoid, anxious, tired, spaced out, suicidal, wanting to overdose, self harm, and so so low in mood, I’m practically rock bottom.

I had my phone in my hand for so long earlier, with the number 111 ready to call, but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Part of me doesn’t want help. That’s the part of me that just wishes I could go to sleep forever. Sounds stupid I know. But the voices are telling me I deserve to suffer. I deserve to feel this pain and be tormented constantly by their negative views of me. I’m scared if I do call they’ll want me to stay in hospital, and I can’t be away from my daughter. The thought breaks my heart into a million pieces. I need to be with her, she’s the only thing keeping me going right now. The one thing that’s stopping me just overdosing and getting it all to stop once and for all.

My mood is so low and I’m really irritable. Keep losing my patience, even with the cat, when all he wanted was a bit of attention. Quite frankly I’m a bitch right now and I hate it.

Going out tomorrow and am dreading it with every ounce of my being. Just want to stay at home. Where it’s safe. Where I’m not likely to cause a scene. I have no patience for people at the moment. I just need to be left alone. I’ll deal with it in my own way.

Just taken my medications, so am starting to space out even more and feel really drowsy.

I hate taking meds.

I can’t get the thought out of my head, that I’ve got a whole bunch of medication in the cupboard, that I could take and finish this. But then I look at my daughter and just want to cry. I couldn’t leave her. She needs me. Even if I am a total fuck up, I’m still her mother.

I want it all to stop. Now. I’m so done with feeling shit. It’s like sitting in a big black hole, with no escape. I can’t breathe sometimes because the depression is suffocating me.

The big black dog is sitting on my chest; pinning me down and leaving be breathless.
The big black dog is growling in my face; telling me I’m worthless.
The big black dog is taking away my lifelines; leaving me to drown.
The big black dog is making sure I can’t get up; gripping me so tightly I can’t move.
The big black dog is depression.

 

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