Well, another day I’ve faced and gotten through, which most would say is a good thing.
For me though, I just wish it hadn’t been filled with psych appointments, racing thoughts, suicidal thoughts, urges to self harm, voices, paranoia and anxiety. But that comes as standard for me these days.
Picked up my medication earlier on, including my repeat meds, which technically I don’t need now seeings as I’m changing. But got them anyway. I guess my mind was overthinking at the time….
All I can think about at the moment is getting drunk. Like, totally off my face, kinda drunk. Just to block it all out for a short while. I need a break. A time out. Some respite from the darkness within me. The darkness that consumes me, and eats away at me, day in, day out.
Finding it really hard to focus right now, as have taken my meds. It’s almost like being drunk in a way, just without the alcohol. All I can say is, thank fuck for autocorrect right now.
Eaten far too much crap today too; feel fat, bloated and sick. I’m disgusting. A pig. A vile excuse for a human being.
My daughter is sleeping next to me right now, and I keep looking over at her, and thinking about how much I’m failing as a mother. She deserves so much more than she’s getting from me right now. I’m struggling so much, and it hurts me. I lay awake at night, just watching her sleep, tears falling silently from my eyes. I wish I was a better person, the person she needs and deserves. But I’m not. I’m just a messed up freak. I really hope she doesn’t turn out like me. I’m so worried she’ll inherit my bipolar. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, let alone my daughter. I hate to think that I’ve brought her into the world, only to end up like me. Breaks my heart.
Going to stop writing before I crumble into a blubbering mess on the sofa and alert my husband to my sorry state.