I’ve got another emergency appointment with my psych tomorrow. Took a lot of chasing people, but I got one. I couldn’t wait until Friday, I need to be seen pronto. She wanted to see me today, but she’s at the psychiatric hospital, and I couldn’t get there for the time she wanted to see me. It annoyed me though, because I was wanting her to contact me herself, but she got her assistant to do it. Lazy cow.
The intrusive thoughts are back, along with the very faint whispers of my old arch nemesis: Benji.
He’s bubbling under the surface right now and I’m scared. I don’t want him back in my head. I hate him. I hate the way he makes me feel. Useless, worthless, rubbish, pathetic, waste of space…. etc etc. Constant negativity inside my head and I can’t stop it. I have no control over it and I want it to stop.
I laid awake for ages last night, just thinking and thinking. Thoughts racing through my head at a million miles an hour. Mostly negative of course. Thinking of myself as a rubbish mother, rubbish wife, and just a rubbish person in general. I don’t feel like I offer anything to anyone. Although I know I’m my daughters world, as she is mine. Without her and my husband, I’d be nothing. Wouldn’t even be here. They keep me here on this planet.
I don’t want to feel low anymore. I’d take a hypomanic episode over depression any day. At least I get things done then. Rather than lacking in motivation and energy, and just sitting all day thinking too much. On a hypo I have energy, I get things done around the house and I don’t have so much time to think and to dwell on things. Being depressed I just can’t be bothered with anything. I can’t be bothered to fight the negative thoughts, and I let the voices win. I let myself believe them. I don’t argue with them like I would when not depressed.
Right now I feel exhausted and just want to go to bed, cover my head with the duvet and stay there, forever. I’m safe there. Nothing can hurt me and most of all, I can’t hurt myself either. I’m fighting more and more urges to self harm right now too. Just to feel that release of tension would be amazing right now. Ease the pressure inside of me. Fuck it, I’m so tempted right now. Just to hide away in the bathroom and slice my legs apart. See the blood flow, to feel alive. To feel real. To not feel numb anymore.
I can’t fight it anymore….