Happy, happy, joy, joy!

That was sarcasm by the way.

Sorry to be a negative Nancy once again, but things are still rather bleak. If anything, they’ve gotten worse in the last 24 hours. My husband is now under the spell of the black dog as well. And I feel totally helpless. I can’t even function myself, so am in no fit state to take care of him as well. He won’t go to the doctors either, so he’s struggling big time.

I really don’t know what to do for the best any more. I’m scared for both myself and my husband now. Depression is an awful illness to endure, seemingly having no end to it either. It feels like I’m going to feel like this forever right now.

I have no strength left to try and fight it, so I’m just going with the motions, getting the bare essentials done and that’s it. I can’t do any more.

People keep telling me to be strong, keep the faith, blah blah blah. But it’s hard. And a lot of these people haven’t ever experienced this feeling. It’s so easy for them to say, but so hard for me to do. I don’t mean that in a nasty way, as I know these people are only trying to help and that they just care about me. But it’s just impossible to believe things will get better. When you’re in the grips of depression, it’s hard to see the way out.

I still keep fighting the urge to self harm too. So far I’ve managed to resist, but it’s getting so much harder. Day by day it’s the voice in the back of my head, telling me to do it. To feel the release, to ease the tension I’m feeling inside. I literally feel like a really, overly stretched elastic band. That at any point is about to snap.

I’m afraid of the voice coming back too; have had a few moments where I feel like I can hear him. Just cutting away at me inside my head. Degrading me and belittling me. Making me feel like I’m a worthless piece of shit. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I am worthless. I don’t know anymore. I feel pretty useless at the moment. I can’t take much more of this pressure inside me. I feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off.

I’m going without my daughter to my psych appointment on Friday, so perhaps that’ll actually help. Maybe she’ll focus on me and not dote all of her attention onto my little girl. I know she’s gorgeous and everyone loves her, but I’m there for help and I’m just not getting it. I need it so badly. I can’t go on like this. I need medication that’s going to make me better not worse. I need more CBT I think. To really put things into perspective. I don’t know which way to turn at the moment.

Came so so close to calling 111 today too. Option 2, for the mental health crisis team. That’s how bad I’m feeling. I’ve never thought of doing that before. Even at my lowest low. My sister called them for me though, well my GP anyhow. I just couldn’t bring myself to make that call. My anxiety over making calls just totally got the better of me and I couldn’t do it. I HATE my anxieties. It stops me getting the help I so desperately need.

Literally sat here wanting to cry so badly, but feel so numb that the tears just won’t fall.

Fuck.

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