This is just a couple of days insight into my fluctuation in moods.
It’s like living on a roller coaster; I don’t know how I’m going to feel from one moment to the next. I could be fine one minute and then go really high, or really low. The crashes are getting worse each and every time. I’m scared that the highs will become more frequent as well, and also get worse. A high can be just as dangerous as a low. Especially if I’m on my own. I worry that I won’t be in a fit state to take care of my daughter. I know my husband is constantly on standby though, and could be home in 20 minutes if I really wasn’t coping, so that’s somewhat of a comfort.
There is sort of a middle ground, but I don’t seem to stay there long. I’m mostly low, more often than high. So I’m constantly exhausted and worried what the next mood swing will be. It’s such an unpredictable disorder, I miss being stable, like I was when I was pregnant. I wasn’t on any medication from 20 weeks, right until I’d given birth. It was the only time in my life, well since the age of 16, that I felt good. I loved being pregnant, apart from the usual worries and stresses of pregnancy. But overall, my mood was level, I was happy and content. Things were great back then. Since going back on medication, I’ve just encountered so many mood swings, it’s crazy.
I do feel it’s time to change my medication completely. But my psych wouldn’t listen to that. So, I’m hoping the next one will listen and agree with me. I’m also hoping I have more regular appointments as well, as I don’t seem to see my current one all that much. In a way that’s probably a bonus, because she’s worse than useless.
Right now, in this moment, I’m feeling low, but not as bad as yesterday. So I guess I’m somewhere between the middle and the bottom on that chart. A little but “meh” but not “awful”. Of course that could change in the next few minutes, hours or days, or even weeks. I just can never tell. If I’ve heard nothing from the new psych by end of next week, I’m going to chase it up somehow. I need to see someone else, I really don’t want to go back to see my current one. I’m due to next Friday, but I have no intention of going.
Nobody sees what it feels like to have Bipolar. They just see me on the outside, and believe me, I’ve gotten it down to a fine art hiding how I feel. I can put on my brave face when I need to, and nobody would be any the wiser. Although, certain friends have picked up on my fluctuating moods recently; in particular when I went high the other day.
Bipolar is, in my opinion, 99% an invisible illness; that 1% shows itself, mostly in the extreme exhaustion that comes with rapid mood swings. But make up helps with that. I get told a lot of the time that I’m looking well. If only they knew the turmoil bubbling under the surface.
I contemplate suicide a lot; but I know I’d never go through with it. I can’t. My daughter needs me. As does my husband, friends and family. I just hate the way I am and how I upset people with my words. I can be really horrible sometimes, in the grips of depression, or even way up on a high. I have no filter, and just say whatever comes to mind. I don’t think before I speak, and it can often get me into trouble.
I feel like this blog is my safe space; to say it exactly how I think it. If people judge me, then that’s their problem not mine. Comments are always welcome, but I do have to approve them before they’ll show up.
Living with Bipolar is certainly not a walk in the park. It’s debilitating at times. It’s in all fairness, a disability. I may not be physically disabled, but mentally I’m crippled with it sometimes. But then, that said, there are physical side effects that no one sees too. Like nausea, stomach pain, headaches/migraines, aching joints, brain fog, confusion, dizziness, exhaustion and so much more. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Them there’s the shakes in your hands, the restless legs, the voices in your head and the overwhelming, racing thoughts. Some of them are atypical for the medication, but a lot are what come with mental illness. None of which are taken into consideration when people say “but you don’t look unwell”. No, perhaps I don’t, but believe me, I am. I know I am, and those closest to me know that too.
Just because I don’t look sick, doesn’t mean that I’m well. Far from it right now. I’m going through a nightmare of emotions, moods and feelings. I hate each and every minute of it, and I just wish it would stop.