This fucking sucks.
I seriously feel horrific. I’m up, then I crash. Then I fly high again. And repeat. Constantly.
I’m so unstable and my psych don’t give a shit. All she’s ever done is throw meds at me; I HATE her. I cannot wait until I’ve been transferred to the other one. Please let her be better.
I can’t think straight, I feel sick to the stomach with the increased dosage of anti-psychotic. I can’t cope with this. I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.
I’m going to e-mail her boss again tomorrow, and see if I can see someone asap. I can’t take this anymore. I need to be stable for my daughter, but my moods are so unpredictable, I can be jumping around all happy clappy one minute, then on the verge of tears the next and having to put on a brave face for my daughter is hard. But I can’t let her see me upset. I know she’s only little, but she knows when mummy is sad. She’s seen me cry before and it makes her cry. I hate it. So I hold it all back until she’s asleep. Then I break down into pieces. I feel numb though inside, and often can’t cry properly. Which sucks even more, because I can’t get that release that comes with a good cry. The urge to self harm is so real right now, and I really don’t want to go back down that path. I’m over 3 years clean now, so I can’t give in to that. Fuck knows what I’m going to do. I feel like shit.
Sorry for the bad language, I did warn you…. I just feel so fucking frustrated that I’m not getting the help that I need. I miss my old GP. He was amazing. I wish I could speak to him. I hate, hate, hate Bipolar. With every ounce of my being. It’s like it’s controlling me again and I can’t take back the control. I feel worthless, then on the flip side, invincible. I just want the middle ground back. I felt great whilst I was pregnant and off medication. Perhaps I should just get pregnant again…. fuck knows.
I’m getting scared to be left alone with my daughter, in case my mood switches. Luckily tomorrow my mum’s coming over for most of the day, so she can help me out. Then at last it’s the weekend and hubby isn’t working. Maybe the med tweak will work eventually, but then what if it doesn’t? What if I’m constantly flipping moods? I can’t be like that.
Bipolar is like a monster inside my head; or a puppeteer maybe a better analogy. It controls me like a puppet on a string. Every move I make, every thought, spoken word, literally EVERY fucking thing I do.
Why can’t it just fuck off and leave me alone?!?!
I know that it won’t. I’m stuck with it for life. Fuck sake.