Beyond over it.

Today’s been pretty crappy really; had my emergency appointment with my (useless) psychiatrist. As anticipated, a total waste of time. All she did was dismiss everything I said, told me I wasn’t rapid cycling, but was in a mixed state episode (is that not the same thing!?). She then upped my anti-psychotic meds and lowered my anti-depressant meds. Genius plan I’m sure…. when my depressive episodes are far worse than my manic ones…

Anyhow, she is however referring me over to another psychiatrist, on the north team, as that’s the area where I live now. Thankfully. Will hopefully be better. Someone who may have a clue and actually listen to me would be nice. I’ve been seeing this same woman for years, and I’m not convinced she really knows what she’s doing. I’m sure her qualifications are written in crayon!

Why is it, that when I’m sat doing nothing, I can think of so much to say in my blog, but then when I come to write it, there’s nothing in my head?!?! So annoying!!….

Need to go take my meds, but can’t be arsed to get up. Sooooooo tired. I’ve snoozed the reminder on my phone for 30 minutes…. don’t even want to take them right now. They’re doing nothing. Feels like I’m just taking placebos.

If it wasn’t for my daughter, my husband and a select few friends, I’d give up on life. It’s way beyond me right now; I can’t take anymore stress and upset. Just had someone delete me on Facebook because they found out I have Bipolar. That was nice of them huh?! Trying to keep my language under control, but I’m in a really sweary mood tonight. Don’t know why. I guess my mood itself isn’t really helping. I’m so grumpy and low. It’s like everything is annoying me. Argh.

Listening to some BVB! Love them so much. Their lyrics have saved me so many times. Because of them I still have a small glimmer of hope and can see a small light at the end of the tunnel. Sounds ridiculous I know, like seriously, how can a band save you?! Well, they can and they have. I do however have a headache, so listening to music with headphones isn’t really helping with that…. might watch a movie instead perhaps. I dunno what I want really. Sleep. Yes, that would be great about now. But as soon as I go to bed, my mind goes into overdrive; thoughts race through my head and I can’t switch off. So I lay awake for hours upon hours. Usually getting to sleep a couple of hours before the damn alarms go off. Then I’m really tired in the mornings, so end up going back to bed until my daughter wakes up. Usually around 10am. Sometimes earlier. The last couple of days I’ve just wanted to stay in bed, hide away from the world and forget about my stress. Like the proverbial burying your head in the sand kind of thing.

Well, somehow I’ve managed to write over 500 words tonight, so I think that’s enough. Laters.

 

 

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