I’ll never be good enough for some people; I give up.
I try and try to be the best person I can be, and it’s never enough. There’s always something I’m doing wrong. I’m sick of it. It’s the story of my life though really. Was never good enough as a kid, so why should I expect to be now. Can you tell I’m feeling low and crappy tonight?!
I know there’s 1 person I’ll always be good enough for though; and that’s my daughter. No matter what I do, she’ll always (I hope) love me and need me. As I will her. My love grows for her each and every day. It’s the best, most proudest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Becoming a mother that is. I’m so proud of her and how she’s developing, each day she learns something new, whether it be a new noise, or a new movement. At 6 months old, she’s doing great. So therefore I must be doing something right, right?
I’ve got an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow; because I’m really struggling to function at the moment. I don’t know what’s going on, but I don’t like it. I’m high one minute, and then I crash. And every crash is worse than the time before. Tonight I feel so low it’s scaring me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I thought I was past it and stable. But no, just when I get back to normality with my mental health, it all goes to pot again.
From what I’ve read online, I’m rapid cycling. Part of my bipolar disorder. It explains a lot of impulse purchases and decisions I’ve made recently, and why we’re now in loads of debt. I feel awful. Our finances are in terrible shape, and I don’t have a penny to my name right now. Okay, that’s a lie, I have about 3p to my name. But that’s besides the point.
Another part of my bipolar is compulsions. Like spending being a big one. I buy things I don’t need, nor really want, just for the buzz of buying something. It’s like an addiction I suppose. And it’s gotten us into trouble many times before, so you’d think I’d learn! But no. Here we are again, in debt, because of me. What a total fail I am at adulting. I’m not responsible with money at all, and I need to be. Especially now we have our daughter. Of course she has all she needs and then some, because I always put her first. But if something comes up that I don’t bargain for, we’re going to be in hot water. As it is, hubby’s car is broken and going to cost around £400 to get it fixed and back on the road. If we had savings then it wouldn’t be an issue, but we don’t. We’ve always been rubbish with money, and perhaps it’s all my fault. After all, I am the one with the bank card and online accounts…. hmm, food for thought there.
I tried doing a “no spend month”, where I only bought the essentials, but failed it in less than 24 hours. Great work there eh. Perhaps I’ll try it again in February. Who knows.
I wouldn’t be here, writing this, if it weren’t for my daughter, and my husband. They’re the reason I get up in the morning and get on with the day. But even that’s becoming a struggle now. I wake up and instantly just want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed. I don’t want to face the world, and I don’t want to be an adult. I don’t want to go out half the time, because I don’t want to be around people; people scare me. I think they’re constantly judging me, criticising me and generally being nasty about me. Stupid I know. But that’s anxiety for you. Oh and body dysmorphic disorder playing it’s part too. Aren’t I great? Not.
I hate my appearance. I’m fat, I’m seriously lacking in the hair department because I impulsively shaved it all off for charity. Granted between me and my mother who did it too, we raised over £1000. But there’s a big part of me that regrets it now. I wish I still had hair. I really do. I’m using hair growth shampoo, conditioner, leave in treatment and taking supplements, to encourage it to grow faster. I’ve been mistaken for a man too many times and I hate it. I’m proud that I did it for such a great cause, but I often wish I’d done something else to raise the money. I bet that makes me sound bad too huh.
I love my little girl so much, and really wish I was a better mummy. *cries*