It’s been a while….

Apologies for not writing for quite a while…. life’s just gotten in the way! I rarely go on my laptop these days, and when I do it’s usually brief to pay a bill or something boring like that! But, here I am tonight, with some time on my hands, so figured I’d catch up!

When I last wrote, I was weaning off the Quetiapine to stop completely. I’m now 1 month, 1 week and 4 days medication free!! The first week or so was, quite simply, fucking awful! The withdrawals were horrible. I felt so unwell physically, I often contemplated taking the damn meds again just to stop that feeling. But, I persevered and rode out the storm. I know that I made the right decision, 100%. I’m doing really well without them, and functioning as a human being for the first time in months! No more extreme exhaustion or other rubbish side effects. Yes, I’m tired still most days, but that’s normal for a mummy! My mood is 99% stable, I do have the odd rocky moment or lose my cool sometimes, but that’s also a normal thing for anyone! I’m really proud of myself for going med free.

I saw my psychiatrist on Monday this week, for the first time since coming off the medication. I did have appointments booked prior to that, but for one reason or another I had to cancel them. But, she was really happy with how I’m doing and the fact that I’m stable, and she’s now discharged me from outpatient care. So no more appointments with her for a while, yay! I do however have to see my CPN again, to put together a wellness plan for going forward, but that’s no big deal, and will be useful in the long run. So I’m really happy with that too!

In other news…. my baby girl is still growing up way too quickly haha. She’s now 10 and a half months (pretty much), and changing and developing daily. She’s crawling everywhere, and pulling herself up on literally everything that she can. We’ve also made the move from her bedside crib, to her big girls cot, in her own room! I’m still finding it tough not having her beside me at night, but she’s doing really well. It’ll be 2 weeks this Sunday, and I’m really proud of her. She’s taken it in her stride, as she does with everything, and seems to be loving it. We’ve had the odd rough night, with lots of wake ups, but she did that even beside me. We’re 10 days away from the end of leap 7, and for the most part, it’s been pretty rough (as all leaps have been so far!). I think that’s had a lot to do with the bad sleeping to be honest, as that’s always been the biggest factor during leaps! But we’re getting there I think, and have some sort of routine coming back now. She’ll go down to bed between 7.30pm and 8pm, and generally sleep until around 11-11.30pm, when she’ll have another bottle and some cuddles, and then go back down by around midnight. Most nights she’ll then sleep through until 6-6.30am, sometimes then just need her dummy giving back and she’ll go back off until around 8am, or some days she’ll want to be up by 7am. During the day she has 1 long nap, from around 1.30pm until 4pm. Some days she only has an hour or so though, but we’re just going with the flow, and she has what she needs (I hope!). I can’t believe how fast her 1st birthday is approaching though, it makes me so emotional! It only feels like yesterday that she was born to be honest. But, that said, I love seeing her grow and develop, and she’s such a little character now. Has the most adorable smile and infectious laugh, and can be very cheeky at times! I love her to the moon and back, and I feel so incredibly lucky that she’s mine!

I’ve now got my car back too, as hubby’s is now fixed. Cost just shy of £500 to do so, but it’s done! It’s great to have my independence back, and be able to go visit my mum as and when I feel like it! It was a bit daunting that first drive though, as it had been a while, but my confidence is slowly increasing, and it’ll be fine the more I do it. Was also useful the other day to go to my psych appointment as it was raining haha!

I think, that just about catches me up, so I shall leave it there for now. I will endeavour to write more often, but being a mummy takes up a lot of my time haha! Wouldn’t change it for the world though, I love it. TTFN!

1 more day….

Hey hey peeps….

Well, tomorrow is my last day on medication…. have spaced it out and taken it every other day, so am hoping and keeping everything crossed that all goes well when I just don’t take it anymore…. I really want to be able to live med free, as it’s driving me mad. Well, I won’t be totally medication free, as I tried to cut off my Omeprazole as well, and that ended in epic fail. So I shall keep taking that, but as far as psychotropic medication is concerned, I’m done with it.

Currently watching my 9 month old daughter, laughing, bouncing and chatting away in her chair; she was supposed to be in bed asleep by 8.30pm, but she just wouldn’t go to sleep tonight! Hoping she’ll go off when we all go to be around 11 ish. Fingers crossed!! I need my sleep, am shattered. Bless her, I honestly cannot believe she turned 9 months yesterday!! Where the heck has 9 months gone?! It’s flown by. It’s scary and makes me really emosh! I miss the newborn sleepy cuddles that filled my day haha. Now I just spend my day chasing her around as she’s crawling now. And yesterday she decided to pull herself up and stand! Aaaaaaaagh! Growing up way too quickly for my liking. But I love her so so much, she makes me so proud. She’s a proper little cheeky character now, and makes me smile and laugh daily. Can’t, and don’t want to, imagine life without her. She’s my absolute world. She may be a monkey, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s awesome 🙂

Mentally I’m doing okay right now, so I don’t think the days of skipped meds have had too much of an impact. Physically though, am feeling the effects a bit. Yesterday I felt so so sick, like on the point of throwing up for most of the day. I spent more time in bed than I did up and about. Just felt so rough. To be honest, I’m hoping that was more down to not taking the Omeprazole than it was from not taking the Quetiapine. But we shall see over the next few days….

As far as next week goes, I’ve not got a great deal planned really. Bipolar group is finished now, which sucks, as loved having hubby home on a half day every Tuesday. But, next week is a 4 day week, followed by a 4 day weekend, and then another 4 day week! So not too bad I guess! On Tuesday I do have an appointment with the course leader, to evaluate how I found the course and generally chat about extra support that may be required etc. Will be taking my daughter with me to that one, so she’ll be the centre of attention haha.

Not really much else to report to be honest, been a long but relatively quiet week this week. Really wish the opticians would text me and say my glasses are ready though, am getting so many headaches from having the wrong prescription and the fact that they’re slightly wonky due to them being broken! Cannot wait for the new ones.

Right, I’m gonna go sit with my little lady and watch Skylanders with her! TTFN.

Ups, downs and all that’s in between!

Once again I’ve neglected my blog for a few days, but hey, here I am to catch up!!

Things have been fairly good and stable for me the past week or so; I’ve not felt too bad, apart from a couple of rocky days where I was really irritable and moody! (Thanks Quetiapine!!).

Since I last posted, a couple of things have happened….
I saw my Psychiatrist on Monday, and we agreed between us that the negative side effects of the Quetiapine were far outweighing any positive benefits I was getting from it. So, (and this is the best news ever in my opinion!), I’m ceasing taking medication!!!! That’s right peeps, I’m flying solo, UNMEDICATED!! I’ve dropped down from 200mg to 100mg, and I’m taking that every other day for a week, then no more! I’m more excited than I am nervous about it. I’m just going to take each day as it comes, and if (big IF!) things don’t go to plan, then obviously I’ll seek help. But I’m really hoping that it all works out well and that I can remain fairly level without meds. I’ve done it many times over the years, so here’s hoping I can again. I miss the old, energetic, bubbly me. Am so fed up of being constantly tired and cranky. Fingers and toes crossed peeps!!

And the other thing that’s happened, a rather random thing to blog about, but my glasses broke yesterday morning! The arm just snapped right off! Argh!! Panic stations! Hubby had to bodge them together quickly before he went to work, with sellotape! That semi-held whilst he was at work. He was on a half day as I was due to go to Bipolar group (the last session), but because of the glasses situation, I had to sack that off and head to the opticians to order new glasses! After desperately finding ways to make the money to afford them! Tried the only thing I could think of, and complained to the bank about the huge amount of charges they’d recently taken from my account and said that I felt it was unfair. So, they refunded me £168! My glasses only cost £80, so it all worked out well in the end. I do however have to survive with bodged glasses (now stuck together with superglue!) until the 28th when my new glasses should be ready. She did say they may be back before then, so here’s hoping! Desperately need them!! I’m looking forward to getting them to be honest, as I was well overdue a new prescription, so I’m hoping it’ll also stop the headaches that I keep getting as well. Another reason I don’t tend to blog all that much at the moment, as looking at a computer screen doesn’t do my eyes much good right now!

Anyways, am calling it quits on this tonight, my laptop is pretty much on it’s last few % of battery anyway, so will say TTFN! Be back at some point….

 

 

 

 

 

Been a while….

Once again I’ve neglected my blog, sorry about that. As I said last time though, life goes on, and often gets in the way of stopping to write.

So, what’s happened since I last wrote? I’ve been to Bipolar group twice, covered stress and medications. And today I went for my face2face PIP assessment. Still feel like I wasted my time, despite everything being documented as worst case scenario, as happened last time and I scored nothing in all categories. As I previously said, am not holding my breath. If I don’t get it I won’t be surprised. If I do get it, it’ll be such a big help to us financially.

Was meant to be seeing my GP tomorrow, but have cancelled it, as it’s unlikely that my daughter will be up in time to go anyway, plus there’s no point as I’m under psychiatric care she can’t actually do anything useful. Seeing my psych on Monday anyway, so will discuss meds with her instead.

My moods have been a bit erratic of late, mostly been an irritable, grumpy cow in all honesty. I had 2 really good days, where I was upbeat, got stuff done, and felt energetic. Those 2 days I hadn’t taken my medication. Hmm. If it wasn’t for the fact that the withdrawals kicked in and I felt rough, I probably wouldn’t have started back on them at all.

I really don’t know if I’m truly Bipolar or not anymore. It’s such a wide spectrum disorder that it’s hard to tell if and where I actually fit under the “title”. Will see how it goes I suppose.

Anyway, jobs to do before bed, so TTFN.

Catch up….

Been a few days since I posted; just not really had much to say to be honest. Life goes on and all that….

I just take each day as it comes really, making plans is pointless, due to the fact that 9 times out of 10, I just cancel because I’m feeling shit. Trouble is, it’s not depression. Having had a lot of experience with the big black dog, I know it all too well. And this is not that. I’ve not been right since I started on the Quetiapine. It’s turned me into an irritable cow, and I hate it. The sooner I get off it the better. It’s convincing the “experts” that’s going to cause me the problem. When ultimately I know my body better than anyone, and should have a say in what I put into it. But it doesn’t seem to work that way. They all seem to “know better”. Sick of it now. It’s about time they listened to what I want to be honest. And I want off meds. Sooner rather than later.

The week ahead is full of the same crap really, bipolar group on Tuesday, all about stress. My biggest trigger for ill health. May be the only thing I actually relate to on the course. We’ll see. Hubby has Friday off this week too, as I was meant to be going for my face2face assessment for PIP. But they changed it again, bunch of asshats. Is completely pointless as no doubt I won’t even get the benefit anyway. They’re making it so hard for people with mental illness to claim anything these days, so I’m not holding my breath.

Anyway, things to do, so gonna call it quits on this for now. May write later, may not. TTFN.

 

 

 

 

 

Gratitude and positivity.

Had a reasonably good day today; just chilled out with my daughter, playing, making her giggle and generally feeling quite good. Had a small bump in the road this evening, when someone I thought was a friend, posted a really nasty comment on a photo of my daughter and I. As someone with very little self esteem and zero confidence in my appearance, it really hurt and upset me for a while. But, I cried, then picked myself up and decided that she’s not worth crying about. She’s just one person, and her opinion doesn’t matter to me. So, I’ve been thinking and trying to find all the positives in my life to focus on, and figured I’d post my thoughts here! So here goes….

First up, has to be my daughter; I’ve never known love like I feel for her, it’s so overwhelming and to be honest completes me. She’s my absolute world and I can’t imagine life without her. She makes me smile, she makes me laugh, and she makes me proud. She’s turned our world upside down, but has changed it for the better.

Second, is of course, my husband; he works so hard for us, and without him I’d be so lost. On the 27th of this month, we’ll have been married for 7 years! It’s crazy how time flies by, and how so much has changed. We’ve been through so many stressful times, upsetting times and quite frankly shitty times, but we’ve always made it through and come out stronger on the other side. He too is my world, and I love him unconditionally.

Another thing I’m grateful for is our home; it took us a long time to get to where we are, but persistence and patience paid off, and we got our forever home. It’s perfect for us, and I love living here. It’s quiet, warm, and the neighbours are all friendly. It’s all good.

I’m grateful for my family and friends; after the hurtful comment earlier, I’ve had some really lovely comments from friends, which makes up for the rubbish one. I may not see or speak to people all that often, but they’re always there, and that means a lot.

We may not be well off, and we struggle financially a heck of a lot, but what matters most is we have each other. We have a roof over our head, clothes on our backs, and food in our tummies (albeit not exactly very healthy, but it’s food nonetheless). We’re better off that many in this world, and I think we often forget that. We need to focus on what we do have, rather than what we don’t. Make the most of those things, instead of wanting more. Yes it’s hard some days, but we’ll survive, we always do. And to be quite honest, it could be so much worse. That’s what we’ve got to think of when we’re struggling. It could ALWAYS be worse.

Yes, life is a challenge, but nothing worth having comes easily. It’s hard, but it’s worth it.

We’re making plans for the future too, so it gives me hope and something to look forward to. Deep down, I am happy, and content. Some days I just find it hard to feel it, especially when I’m tired and a bit cranky. But, hey, that’s life, and I know that we’ll be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self Preservation Mode

Right now, I’m in SPM. Just doing what I need to do to get by, nothing more. I came to the realisation that I was just doing too much all at once. Avon, PT course, mother, wife…. for me that’s just too much. So for now, I’m just a mother and wife. Focusing on my little girl, and leaving everything else for now. I’m not depressed as such, but my mood is bordering on it sometimes. I get tearful for (seemingly) no reason, and I’m just plain exhausted most of the time. Something had to give.

I’m also researching natural remedies for depression and anxiety, to try and manage them without medication. I shall of course discuss with my GP and my Psychiatrist before coming off them, but it’s the way I want to go. I’m so done with the side effects of psychotropic medications, they’re making me feel physically ill, which in turn then has a negative impact on my mental health. If I felt well physically, then technically the mental side should follow. Fingers crossed….

Am sat here with the brightness turned down as low as possible on my laptop, because I’ve got a cracking headache. Right behind my eyes. Seriously cannot wait to get my new glasses. That in itself will improve how I feel too.

Bipolar group today revealed to me, in many ways, that I don’t quite fit the diagnosis. The topic was mania, and there was very little I could relate to and say “yeah, I’ve had that”. My old psychiatrist based my diagnosis on one episode where I didn’t sleep much for 3 days. She deemed that as mania. Or rather, hypomania. But to me, that’s just not enough to classify me as someone with Bipolar. Yes, I have the tendency to spend compulsively, but that can be deemed as part of my OCD or even depression alone. As 9 times out of 10, it happens when I’m feeling low, not “high”. My shit memory can also be deemed as caused by depression too. There’s nothing about me that screams BIPOLAR! In my eyes, it’s depression, anxiety and OCD. Not Bipolar. Yes of course, I’m not a doctor or other such medical professional, but I know myself well enough to know that it’s not what they’ve been saying it is. Need some blunt discussions I think, to really get to the bottom of things.

I have experienced Psychosis; but that too can come from un-medicated depression. So even that can’t be enough to diagnose me with bipolar disorder. Even my old GP found it a strange thing to diagnose me with, 3 years ago! And he knew me extremely well. Soooo, we shall see how things go.

Anyway, enough rambling on from me tonight, going to turn my laptop off and chill for a bit before bed. Feeling like utter shite. TTFN.

 

Short and Sweet….

As it’s getting late, I just thought I’d check in for a quick post.

Feeling rather pissed off tonight; had my weekly weigh in and have gained 2lbs and a bit. May as well call it 3lbs! Is fucking depressing. Am sick of being a fatty now. As much as I’m proud of my body for what it’s accomplished in the last year, I’m just wanting to lose some weight to feel a bit better about myself. I’ve barely got any clothes that fit me now, and it’s soul destroying. I’ve put on more weight since having my daughter as well, so it’s not just baby weight any more. I see all of my other mummy friends showing off their weight losses of like 2, 3 or 4 stone, and I’m sat here like, what the fuck am I doing?!

Instead of working out, I go to bed and sleep. Some days I don’t even leave the house either! I need to get more active. But I’m just lacking in energy so much these days.

From tomorrow, I’m tracking my water intake and trying to meet the daily 2L guideline. Small steps….

Right, I’m off to get my baby out of a pickle again! (She’s commando crawling everywhere and I can’t keep up!!). TTFN.

Grr Argh.

That title pretty much sums me up today. Been quite a moody moo to be honest, not quite sure why. Probably the lack of sleep has something to do with it though. We went to bed around 11ish, and didn’t get up until gone 10am, but I only got about 6 hours sleep 😦 after about 10 minutes of getting into bed, I came over all hot and felt so so sick! No matter what way I laid, I felt awful! Took ages to get to sleep, and then kept waking up feeling sick again. It wasn’t a good night at all. Still have a bit of a tummy ache and feel off now.

My mood wasn’t helped when we had to rush round to get out to go for my eye test. Which we were then late for because of traffic and then the store being so huge, we had to ask where the opticians bit actually was! (Tesco’s!). Eventually we found it, and luckily they were still able to see me (phew!). I had to have a pre-screening as they called it, which involved puffs of air in my eyes and then staring at a red dot whilst they took photos and measurements of my eyes! (Weird…). I then went straight through for the actual eye test. As predicted, my eyes have worsened, by a fair bit, so am in need of new glasses now. Annoyingly, it’s a pay before you order dealio, so had to abort and say I’d go back at the end of the month, as just don’t have the cash for it right now. Plus, it’s going to cost around £110!! Despite choosing £20 frames, because my eyes are so bad, the lenses would be around an inch thick if made standard, so I’ve got to have them thinned down. At a cost of £90!! Fucking mental. But I’d rather that than wear what my mum always refers to as “milk bottle bottom” glasses! I’d look like even more of a twat than I already do. I can claim back the cost through my health insurance though, so is only a temporary spend technically. But it’s finding that money in the first place that’s the trouble. Cash flow is seriously lacking at the moment. As per usual.

Managed to get the laundry done though, love the delayed start feature on my washing machine, set it up last night, and it was pretty much done when we got up. Just had to hang it up when it finished, then stick baby’s load on. Which was done by the time we got back from Tesco’s. Hubby did all the washing up and took the bins out, so the kitchen looks less like a bombs gone off now. Still need to clean, but that can wait until tomorrow. I’m so done today. Got my hair washed, made hubby’s lunch for tomorrow, prepped the formula pots and sat back down. Too damn tired to faff about cleaning.

Tomorrow shall be spent doing sweet F all, as I just really cannot be arsed at the moment. Just going to chill with my daughter and try catch up on some sleep when she sleeps. Hopefully that’ll shift my dodgy mood….

I think my meds have a lot to play in my aggy moods. Ever since I started on them, I’ve been a grumpy cow 99% of the time. It’s stupid. They’re meant to stabilise my mood, not make it worse. I’ve spoken to a few people who’ve also been on Quetiapine before, and it seems to be a side effect for most people who take them. But my GP was adamant I’m not to come off them yet. Fucks me off. When I see her on the 30th I’ll be telling her I’m sick of the side effects and want off them. She can’t force me to take them at the end of the day.

Anyway, need to chill for a bit before bed, otherwise I’m in for another shit nights sleep! TTFN.

Totes Emosh.

Feeling like a complete emotional wreck today; my little girl has pretty much mastered crawling, and sat up on her own for the first time too. It’s all going too fast 😥 I miss my tiny newborn! Especially the sleepy cuddles. I miss those the most. I just want to slow down time just a little bit. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so so proud of her as well, she’s developing so well and I love that, but all too quickly for my liking! It makes me feel really broody as well for another one. I’d love to give her a little brother or sister. A friend of mine announced she was pregnant with her second today, and as much as I was pleased for her, I was a bit jealous too.

At the moment though, having a second is completely out of the equation. We struggle financially with just the one, so having another would be stupid in that respect. But I don’t want to rule it out for a couple of years down the line maybe. I loved (mostly) being pregnant, feeling those first flutters, then kicks and wiggles. Hearing the heartbeat and going for scans. I loved all of that. Admittedly there was a lot of stressful times too, with the episodes of RFM (reduced fetal movement) especially, but it was all so worth it to hold my baby in my arms for the very first time. I even enjoyed giving birth, despite the epic levels of pain! Still to this day I can’t believe I did it all without pain relief! And I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I know my body is capable of it now, and I’m proud of it too. It grew a perfect little human, who fills my days with love and happiness now. The female body never fails to amaze me with what it’s capable of to be honest. I may now be 4-5 stone over weight now, but it was most definitely worth it. I just hope and pray that I get to do it all again one day….

Aaaagh, feeling all teary eyed now!! Pathetic I know. That’s just me though.

Spent a lot of today sleeping, I think my daughter was catching up from the past few days to be honest. She totally crashed out last night, bless her, she did wake around 1.30am, and took a little while to settle her again, but that was the only wake up thankfully. The night before she was awake nearly every hour! So I was glad of the rest today.

Not much planned for the weekend to be honest, hubby is working tomorrow morning until 1pm, then we’re just going to chill out hopefully. Then Sunday I’ve got an appointment for an eye test. Apart from that, nothing else planned. Hopefully some nice family time can be had.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it from me tonight, got a bit of a headache so going to read for a while I think. TTFN.